Relationships are one of our deepest issues. They are all about intimacy and that can be daunting and risky especially for someone who has never had a model of how to build a healthy, emotional relationship. It can feel out of reach.
How We Learn
Ever wonder why you behave in a particular way in your relationships? And then somehow continue repeating the same mistakes?
Most likely it’s related to your attachment dynamic which relates back to childhood. It is something most of us don’t even think about but did you know that your ‘attachment’ can determine how healthy your relationships are?
How We Bond
Do you feel insecure, ignored or overlooked in your relationships? The ability to form and sustain relationships is essential to our well being. Just like breathing it’s a basic need for emotional connection, physical contact and support.
Our history of attachment with those who raised us will be played out and, in all probability, will continue to repeat as we grow and become adults. Identifying your attachment style helps you recognize patterns and change your behaviour and the dynamics of your relationships.
Insecure attachment can be passed from one generation to the next as caregivers who struggle with their own unresolved trauma may have difficulty allowing a range of emotions in their own child. During periods of stress and tension they might react with anger, fear or other destructive emotions with no awareness of how they are acting.
Maybe you’re facing challenging patterns or perhaps life is good but something is missing. You feel like you can never relax or just be yourself.
- SECURE Attachment| good trust in self and others. Satisfying relationships with both men and women. Can be present in an embodied way. Strong self esteem and respectful of others. primary caretakers who provided a secure base from which they could venture out and explore independently but always return to a safe place.
- AVOIDANT Attachment | loner. Minimizes relationships. Difficulty expressing emotional needs. Excel intellectually. Many friends yet it tends to be superficial. Triggered as relationships deepen and vulnerability arises. left alone too much. Caregiver distant or absent and never safe meeting emotional needs. Eventually may deny their need, even though it’s there, and avoid contact and remain isolated.
- AMBIVALENT Attachment | Insecure, anxious, a little needy, worried about partner going with friends or having separate interests. In extreme cases controlling, possessive and jealous. caregivers not there when needed and didn’t get attention as needed.
- DISORGANIZED Attachment | Avoid relationships as they don’t always understand how to trust. Or make relationships but they never last long and that supports a belief that never works out. Keep proving distorted belief of not being worthy. Sense of safety not there and can need to fight or flee. parents had addictions or looked after parents from a very young age. Could have been in the hospital or experienced some kind of separation where they decided that Relationships are one of our deepest issues tapping into the deep-rooted and innermost conditioning of our inner self. Their experience may be blocked from their consciousness.
Who we are Now
We are all hardwired for secure attachment. No matter our exprrience secure attachment is our innate default.
For those of us who are stuck, paralyzed, or avoiding, we can start by understanding ourselves a little bit more. Appreciating our defenses that have kept us safe in the world.
How empowering to be able to identify your attachment profile. To understand the way you see the world or relationships is not something you adopted but was embedded from the start as a necessary protection to get you through. Embrace those quirks and insecurities that sometimes get triggered. Instead of fighting, struggling or trying to avoid, take a moment and just acknowledge.
CONSCIOUS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT : “I acknowledge sometimes when I come face to face with my own vulnerability I might want to run and hide but perhaps if I acknowledgethat it’s not easy when I feel vulnerable it will create some space and maybe I will run and maybe I won’t. What if you can elect to synchronize with the fear and that creates a shift?”
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