Relationships are one of our deepest issues tapping into the deep-rooted and innermost conditioning of our inner self. They are all about intimacy and that can be daunting and risky especially for someone who has never had a model of how to build a healthy, emotional relationship. It can feel out of reach.
Creating relationships, after experiencing difficult situations in life or hurtful experiences with those who raised us, is not easy and that feeling can escalate if what we experienced taught us to view the world as threatening or ourselves as inferior.
Trauma occurs when an experience is threatening or overwhelming, and we’re unable to integrate it. If you experienced a difficult childhood: emotional, sexual and physical abuse or were neglected or abandoned as a child, this can make trusting another feel frightening and foreign. When someone thinks you matter and treats you that way you start to believe that you matter as well.
How We Learn
Ever wonder why you behave in a particular way in your relationships? And then somehow continue repeating the same mistakes?
Most likely it’s related to your attachment dynamic which directly relates back to childhood. It is something most of us don’t even think about but did you know that your ‘attachment’ can determine how healthy your relationships are?
How We Bond
Do you feel insecure, ignored or overlooked in your relationships? The ability to form and sustain relationships is essential to our well being. Just like breathing it’s a fundamental need for emotional connection, physical contact and support.
Attachment research shows that infants have an inherent, genetically determined system that drives them to attach to their primary caregivers whether or not the caregivers themselves are responsive.
Our history of attachment with those who raised us will be played out and, in all probability, will continue to repeat as we grow and become adults. Identifying your attachment style helps you recognize patterns and change your behaviour and the dynamics of your relationships.
Insecure attachment can be passed from one generation to the next as caregivers who struggle with their own unresolved trauma may have difficulty allowing a range of emotions in their own child. During periods of stress and tension they might react with anger, fear or other destructive emotions with no awareness of how they are acting.
Our history can be re-enacted as we’re creating relationships. Maybe you’re facing challenging patterns showing up. Perhaps life is good but something is missing. You feel like you can never relax or just be yourself. Is it time to discover more about yourself and experience more joy, vitality or connection?
- SECURE | good trust in self and others. Satisfying relationships with both men and women. Can be present in an embodied way. Strong self esteem and respectful of others.
primary caretakers who provided a secure base from which they could venture out and explore independently but always return to a safe place.
- AVOIDANT | a loner. Minimizes relationships. Difficulty expressing emotional needs. Excel intellectually. Many friends yet it tends to be superficial. Triggered as relationships deepen and vulnerability arises.
left alone too much. Caregiver distant or absent and never safe meeting emotional needs. Eventually may deny their need, even though it’s there, and avoid contact and remain isolated.
- AMBIVALENT Attachment | Insecure, anxious, a little needy, worried about partner going with friends or having separate interests. In extreme cases controlling, possessive and jealous.
caregivers not there when needed and didn’t get attention as needed.
- DISORGANIZED Attachment | Avoid relationships as they don’t always understand how to trust. Or make relationships but they never last long and that supports a belief that never works out. Keep proving distorted belief of not being worthy. Sense of safety not there and can need to fight or flee.
parents had addictions or looked after parents from a very young age. Could have been in the hospital or experienced some kind of separation where they decided that Relationships are one of our deepest issues tapping into the deep-rooted and innermost conditioning of our inner self. Their experience may be blocked from their consciousness.
Who we are Now
We are all hardwired for secure attachment. No matter our exprrience secure attachment is our innate default.
For those of us who are stuck, paralyzed, or avoiding, we can start by understanding ourselves a little bit more. Appreciating our defenses that have kept us safe in the world.
How empowering to be able to identify your attachment profile. To understand the way you see the world or relationships is not something you adopted but was embedded from the start as a necessary protection to get you through. Embrace those quirks and insecurities that sometimes get triggered. Instead of fighting, struggling or trying to avoid, take a moment and just acknowledge.
CONSCIOUS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT Experiment
“I acknowledge sometimes when I come face to face with my own vulnerability I might want to run and hide but perhaps if I acknowledge that it’s not easy when I feel vulnerable it will create some space and maybe I will run and maybe I won’t. What if you can elect to synchronize with the fear and that creates a shift? If you don’t it can make it impenetrable”.
I created Inner Alchemy to focus on how we can each expand our consciousness and potential, so that we can lead fulfilling, flowing and impactful lives. If you’re looking for some support in boosting your focus, healing trauma or finding your place feel free to reach out to arrange a free intro call or free coaching or mentoring discovery session.
Book your Zoom video Call or Phone session | 416 732 2661
Karen Johnson| 416.732.2661
Shaman | Coach and Mentor | Energy Healing| Trauma Healing | Somatic Experiencing